"My foot is slipping"

The last couple of days have found me particularly focused on the logistics of this trip.  Do I have all the clothes I need?  What supplies do I still need to procure? How can I best get myself ready for the trip and my family prepared for my absence? When a thunderstorm woke me up early this morning, my mind quickly jumped back into the fray with these thoughts and kept me awake.  Apparently, I'd become anxious about everything because my sleepy mind then started to lead me into other anxiety-producing thoughts too.  After about an hour, I managed to get back to a fitful sort of a sleep. When I woke up for good this morning, I disregarded what my Bible reading plan said to read next and went to Psalms.  Psalm 94:18-19,22 spoke to me this morning with these words:

When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.

But the Lord has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.

How I prayed my heart out to my Lord this morning with these words.  It's kind of funny because yesterday I probably would've told you that I wasn't really stressed about any of this.  I knew I was thinking a lot about the details, but I felt like since I wasn't obsessing over getting it all done immediately that I wasn't really anxious about any of it.  However, this morning, I felt overwhelmed and exhausted by it all. My foot was slipping, and anxiety was great within me!  How I prayed for God's unfailing love to support me, for His consolation to bring me joy.  I knew that He could be my only real refuge.

Psalm 95:6,7 urged me onward.

Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the Lord our Maker;
for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.

I got down on my knees and prayed and sobbed and prayed some more.  I pled for the $1200 that I still need for the trip (and quite honestly for it to come ASAP).  I asked for guidance and a sound mind to help me with the decisions, details, and arrangements that still need to be completed.  I prayed for known needs of my teammates, and I prayed for Him to help me rejoice today, be gentle today, and pray with thanksgiving today -- to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus today.

I have already noticed times when He has clearly brought me to a place of rejoicing, helped me to be gentle when every part of my nature would have snapped, and reminded me to pray with thanksgiving today.  I don't have the $1200 or all the logistics worked out yet.  I'm tired today and still need to get quite a bit done, and my task-oriented self with perfectionist tendencies still wants to snap at every interruption, delay, unexpected change of plans, and imperfect list of options.  Thank God that His power is made perfect in my weaknesses. I do not want to soldier onward and try harder.  I want to turn it over to Him.

I think sometimes God leads me into situations with my children more to remind me of lessons I already know than to teach them to my kids.  My 2 older girls were crying this morning about me going to Uganda.  They wanted to know who would give them hugs while they were gone, and they were sure that they would desperately miss me over the 10 days that in their words is "less than 10 million days but still a lot of days."  I told them that I would miss them each and every day too, and I suggested that we make a plan.  I told them that I'd be praying for them each and every day that I was gone and that whenever they missed me, they could pray for me too.  

There have been periods of time in my life when I barely prayed, when I probably went weeks without uttering a word to Him. This is not one of those times.  I need Him like air these days.  I pray everyday, multiple times a day, and yet I'm reminded that I can still go to Him more.  He can handle it.  He wants me to come to Him with all of this even.  

As a child, I had several Psalty cassette tapes and 1 Psalty VHS cassette.  Psalty was a big, blue singing songbook that walked and talked and sang praises to God.  I listened to these songs quite a bit growing up, but whenever I think of Psalty, one song in particular comes to mind.  It's based on 1 Peter 5:7, which says, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."  I'm sure that more anxieties will continue to creep into my mind and heart over the next few weeks as I prepare for my trip, experience all that God has in store for me in Uganda, and even as I come home and try to process all that I will have experienced.  I'm going to need to regularly cast all my anxiety on Him.  Please remember me, the team, and our families in your prayers over the next few weeks too.

In case you're wondering about that Psalty song, here it is:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9M7MmEnT_94