When I first got married, I focused in on my marriage like a laser beam. I wanted the marriage to be a healthy and lasting one, so I needed to know how to make that happen. We got a nightly marriage devotional book to work through. I listened intently to every marriage lesson and voraciously devoured any marriage advice I came across. From all of this information, I saw lots of areas that needed improvement, so I set out to improve them ASAP. If we were invited out with anyone, we usually turned them down. After all, my hubby wasn't sold on the event the second I brought it up, and it was probably best to just stay home and focus on my marriage.
When we had our first child, I did the same thing. The crazy hormones didn't help. If I didn't understand why she was crying, then I was obviously a failure as a mother, and I'd start to wonder what I'd gotten myself into. If we were invited anywhere, the answer was obviously "no." It might interrupt her sleep schedule, or she might get germs! As my oldest started to get a bit older, and we added even more children to the family, the ability to leave the house decreased even more.
I didn't honestly believe that the whole world rotated around my marriage or my family, but my whole existence certainly did. I started to lose myself in the chaos of each moment. My husband did something hurtful? It was another wound to add to the pile and more evidence that we were failing. My kids were tantruming? It was another failure of mine to stack on the pile. Clearly, I needed to hone in and focus harder, but that just didn't work. It never worked. Maybe I needed to focus on myself more! I'd try to lose weight and get in better shape. Huh...no satisfaction there either. Either I was failing at losing weight, or I was succeeding but discovering that about the only change it brought was the need for new clothes. No amount of working harder, trying to love more, committing more time to, etc., ever seemed to bring me any glimmer of anything other than a new and different set of struggles and failures. My marriage was a drain. My kids were a drain. My life was a drain. In my despair one day, I remembered a verse. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you as well." (Matthew 6:33) This seemed like a pretty tall order even for God. I mean, I'd been working my butt off to benefit my marriage, my kids, and myself, and it seemed to make little to no difference. He was really going to add all these things to me somehow...and all without me obsessively focusing on them? However, I decided that I'd trust God enough to give this a chance and that really I had nothing to lose at that point. I certainly couldn't seem to acquire "all these things" on my own anyways.
I remember inwardly smirking to God with a sort of "good luck with that!" attitude while simultaneously starting to feel an ever so slight lifting of the weight of despair off my shoulders. I was ever so slightly shifting my focus to Him. I started seeking His righteousness as best I knew how. We put a stop to our 2 year church shopping journey and started going to one church regularly. I signed up for a women's small group. I tried to jump back into His Word more. Things started looking up.
Oh, there were still rough times. I still wondered if some things in our marriage would ever improve. The kids still threw fits, and I still hurt over it all. However, the despair was lifting. As I kept plowing through trying to seek Him and His righteousness, I started to learn that I really couldn't make myself more righteous through any increased effort. That was the Holy Spirit's job. I just needed to submit to the Spirit's work in my life. I started to learn just how crazy much God loved me, like senselessly, recklessly loved me regardless of my failures and weakness and just plain humanness. The joy from this love made me want to share His love with others. This was another turning point. I started making commitments to seek His kingdom.
I didn't think of it like that, of course. I was just bursting with His love and wanted others to know how much God loved them too. I started looking more and praying about ways to share His love with others. I signed up for a weekly Open Table ministry to help a family in need in our community. I signed up for the Uganda trip. I upped my commitment for serving in the special needs ministry at church to a weekly commitment. I signed up to co-lead a new table of women in a small group. Here's the crazy part to me: Despite the fact that each of these activities have taken time away from my marriage, my family, and myself; my marriage, my family, and myself have never felt more stable!
As I've spent more time with other people, I've come to appreciate my husband even more for who he is. As I've learned the importance of love and grace in my life and in ministry to others, I more naturally extend grace to him when he does something wrong. As I've dived into the Word for strength, I've found wisdom to parent more gracefully. As I've had to leave my children for more stretches of time, I've realized that I'm not alone in this parenting thing. God is working in my kids' lives. Their whole outlook doesn't depend 100% on me. As I've stepped out into the unknown, I've learned that He will be with me every step of the way, loving me, extending grace, teaching me, molding me, working through me beyond what I could ever do on my own. As I've begun embracing new communities and individuals in His love, I've been encouraged in return. This encouragement not only renews me, but it strengthens me to go back home and love on my own family more. As I have stopped desperately focusing on my marriage, my family, and myself and have focused more on Him and His kingdom, I've found that He really can "add all these things" to me as well!
I want to encourage you today to trust where He's leading you. He may seem to be leading you away from things and people that really matter to you. Trust Him. He knows even better than you do how important these things are. Trust Him. He loves those people more than you ever could. Trust Him. Start asking Him what He cares about, how you can join Him in those things. Seek Him and His kingdom and His righteousness. He'll take care of the rest!
When we had our first child, I did the same thing. The crazy hormones didn't help. If I didn't understand why she was crying, then I was obviously a failure as a mother, and I'd start to wonder what I'd gotten myself into. If we were invited anywhere, the answer was obviously "no." It might interrupt her sleep schedule, or she might get germs! As my oldest started to get a bit older, and we added even more children to the family, the ability to leave the house decreased even more.
I didn't honestly believe that the whole world rotated around my marriage or my family, but my whole existence certainly did. I started to lose myself in the chaos of each moment. My husband did something hurtful? It was another wound to add to the pile and more evidence that we were failing. My kids were tantruming? It was another failure of mine to stack on the pile. Clearly, I needed to hone in and focus harder, but that just didn't work. It never worked. Maybe I needed to focus on myself more! I'd try to lose weight and get in better shape. Huh...no satisfaction there either. Either I was failing at losing weight, or I was succeeding but discovering that about the only change it brought was the need for new clothes. No amount of working harder, trying to love more, committing more time to, etc., ever seemed to bring me any glimmer of anything other than a new and different set of struggles and failures. My marriage was a drain. My kids were a drain. My life was a drain. In my despair one day, I remembered a verse. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you as well." (Matthew 6:33) This seemed like a pretty tall order even for God. I mean, I'd been working my butt off to benefit my marriage, my kids, and myself, and it seemed to make little to no difference. He was really going to add all these things to me somehow...and all without me obsessively focusing on them? However, I decided that I'd trust God enough to give this a chance and that really I had nothing to lose at that point. I certainly couldn't seem to acquire "all these things" on my own anyways.
I remember inwardly smirking to God with a sort of "good luck with that!" attitude while simultaneously starting to feel an ever so slight lifting of the weight of despair off my shoulders. I was ever so slightly shifting my focus to Him. I started seeking His righteousness as best I knew how. We put a stop to our 2 year church shopping journey and started going to one church regularly. I signed up for a women's small group. I tried to jump back into His Word more. Things started looking up.
Oh, there were still rough times. I still wondered if some things in our marriage would ever improve. The kids still threw fits, and I still hurt over it all. However, the despair was lifting. As I kept plowing through trying to seek Him and His righteousness, I started to learn that I really couldn't make myself more righteous through any increased effort. That was the Holy Spirit's job. I just needed to submit to the Spirit's work in my life. I started to learn just how crazy much God loved me, like senselessly, recklessly loved me regardless of my failures and weakness and just plain humanness. The joy from this love made me want to share His love with others. This was another turning point. I started making commitments to seek His kingdom.
I didn't think of it like that, of course. I was just bursting with His love and wanted others to know how much God loved them too. I started looking more and praying about ways to share His love with others. I signed up for a weekly Open Table ministry to help a family in need in our community. I signed up for the Uganda trip. I upped my commitment for serving in the special needs ministry at church to a weekly commitment. I signed up to co-lead a new table of women in a small group. Here's the crazy part to me: Despite the fact that each of these activities have taken time away from my marriage, my family, and myself; my marriage, my family, and myself have never felt more stable!
As I've spent more time with other people, I've come to appreciate my husband even more for who he is. As I've learned the importance of love and grace in my life and in ministry to others, I more naturally extend grace to him when he does something wrong. As I've dived into the Word for strength, I've found wisdom to parent more gracefully. As I've had to leave my children for more stretches of time, I've realized that I'm not alone in this parenting thing. God is working in my kids' lives. Their whole outlook doesn't depend 100% on me. As I've stepped out into the unknown, I've learned that He will be with me every step of the way, loving me, extending grace, teaching me, molding me, working through me beyond what I could ever do on my own. As I've begun embracing new communities and individuals in His love, I've been encouraged in return. This encouragement not only renews me, but it strengthens me to go back home and love on my own family more. As I have stopped desperately focusing on my marriage, my family, and myself and have focused more on Him and His kingdom, I've found that He really can "add all these things" to me as well!
I want to encourage you today to trust where He's leading you. He may seem to be leading you away from things and people that really matter to you. Trust Him. He knows even better than you do how important these things are. Trust Him. He loves those people more than you ever could. Trust Him. Start asking Him what He cares about, how you can join Him in those things. Seek Him and His kingdom and His righteousness. He'll take care of the rest!
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