The Despicable Me

I have an idea that I haven’t fully fleshed out yet. Writing and processing with someone else both help me in that process though, so here goes…I realize that “authenticity” is a sort of buzzword nowadays, but it seems to me that there are huge limitations in what “authenticity” is encouraged and what is squashed down in most circles. As long as whatever negative thing you are saying about yourself is not criminal or terribly perverse, then people often applaud others for “opening up” about themselves. There are times when the effect reminds me a lot of the reason why people loved “freak shows” and why many rubber neck for car wrecks. Other times, it seems to me people feel either validated or comforted by their own superiority in hearing about someone else’s negative life situation or character traits. (I am not trying to discourage anyone from sharing. I think there can be some beautiful things that come out of being open about your brokenness too. I've even blogged about that before. I’m just also trying to sort through what feels like an “underbelly” to this “authenticity” movement.) Whether the communicative audience is genuinely connecting with you in your brokenness or just getting their own boost of self-confidence from your problems, the social feedback is often positive in these situations.

However, if your life is going pretty well, people don’t tend to want to dive too deeply into that. In fact, people are often irritated by this. If part of your story includes making consistently good choices for a stretch of time, people can become downright hostile. Are these both responses born of envy? What is going on?

There is a similar issue at hand with the concept of a “humble brag.” I understand that some people are truly intending to disguise their bragging, but there are other times that people are truly trying to describe a PROBLEM they are having in a situation others would view as positive, for example, almost any issue involved in raising a gifted child. Yet when that person presents his/her problem, it is met with disdain.

These responses drive me batty. I often restrain from posting about my life because I realize many people could and would respond this way whether I was posting about something “good” or “bad.” It’s a response I’ve faced my whole life. My good grades would irritate people, even when I would literally hide them from others. Church groups ask people to share their testimonies, and mine is usually disliked or ignored because I didn’t go through a serious rebellious phase. I have sobbed following these testimony-sharing times. When we moved, and I became passionately interested in making our new home a beautiful place, I was scared to post pictures, even though I wanted to share, largely because I knew it could spark negative feelings/responses. Both in “real life” and online, this issue plagues me.

I don’t want to share only the “negatives.” I’m not against sharing my brokenness with others. I do so readily when I think it’s appropriate and would help others. However, I get comments from people indicating that I should do that more. Really, my brokenness is not seen as enough brokenness. I’ve had high standards for myself my whole life though.  I remember as a child deciding that I didn’t want to have to experience the negative consequences of poor choices if I didn’t have to, if I could learn those lessons elsewhere, from people or books. I set out to do that. I obviously didn’t avoid every negative consequence in life or every mistake, and I don’t pretend that I have. I also don’t believe I am better than someone who didn’t go through life like this. However, I’m tired of being judged harshly because I can’t join in the same stories of some common mistakes. I’m tired of being seen as prideful or as superficially perfect or as a goody-two-shoes. I’m tired of constantly restraining myself because I’ll make other people uncomfortable if my story is seen as a generally positive one. I hate hurting people, and I hate receiving feedback from others that my own being causes them to feel insecure. There’s nothing I can do about that. How am I supposed to deeply engage in a relationship like that?

I’m ranting because this issue is deeply personal for me. It’s a decades-long issue for me even though the movement toward authenticity theoretically should have ameliorated this situation. What if my authentic self is despicable to many, not because it is perverse or criminal, but because it brings up others’ insecurities or even uncomfortable feelings of envy? How do I then share about my life without causing whirlwinds of hurt all around me? You want me to share the real me? You’re probably not going to like it.