As people find out that I'm going on this Uganda trip in just a few short weeks, I field this question more than I expected. That's probably because I didn't expect it at all. I'm never entirely sure how to respond, so I usually fumble through some vague "Sometimes I'm excited. Sometimes I'm in denial. Sometimes I'm apprehensive." I'm not sure even that vague answer is entirely honest though. Right now, the answer is probably "no." That sounds horrible, and I don't even want to type it, but it's probably the truth right now. Let me explain.
First off, I'm an introvert. I'm a talkative introvert, so some people assume I'm an extrovert, but very few people know me well. I don't feel a deep, wonderful connection with others quickly like I hear that some extroverts do. It's just not how I'm wired. I don't get excited about new and unfamiliar situations with a group of people that I don't know well. I don't think I ever could, but I have always refused to let that keep me from helping others and from going where God leads me. I don't have to be excited. I just have to go.
Now, one of my lessons that I've been assigned to present to pastor's wives in Uganda is "Living Out Your Heart's Desires." This has been a real challenge for me to prepare for multiple reasons, but one of them is personal. I don't feel that ministering in Uganda is my deepest heart's desire. I don't know these people yet. I don't understand how I've even found myself on this team entirely. However, I do know this: God loves these people. When I was singing about God's love and asking Him to let me share His love with others, these are the people whose image appeared in my mind. This is a ministry that I have found myself compelled to follow for years. I don't get it. I've never had any personal draw to Africa. I've never had a deep personal pull toward Uganda or even Africa. Let's face it, I've never had a personal desire to do international missions work at all. My best friend in high school is currently a missionary in Belize. She had a desire to do missions work even in high school. I never had any such desire. I'd much rather stay in my own home with my own family and call it a day. However, I ran out of reasons to NOT go. This is NOT my own heart's desire, but I believe it is God's, and I trust Him.
The next set of reasons sounds trivial. It is WAY outside my comfort zone. I'm not talking just about introversion issues. I don't even like using public restrooms in the USA. I dread having to use the facilities in Uganda. I feel like maybe I should be doing some sort of intensive squatting exercise program to prepare. Really, I have "held it" for hours before just to get home. You can ask my college roommate. Tiffany, back me up here, in an entire month in Mexico, I never used a public bathroom outside of our University and one very Americanized restaurant. However, I just didn't feel like I could tell God, "Sorry, but they didn't have adequate toileting facilities." In addition, I'm usually a wreck when my sleep has been disturbed or my eating routine is out of whack. I have become completely useless before due to sleep deprivation and low blood sugar. I anticipate both of these problems arising in Uganda. I've been trying to practice not being a wreck in these situations. So far, I'm not really doing as well as I'd like to when drained.
I've been drawing some slight encouragement from the prophets in the Bible these days. My family has been known to tell me uncompromisingly that prophecy is one of my spiritual gifts. I don't like it. They then remind me that most Biblical prophets didn't really seem to "like" it. I still don't like it. I'm stubborn and some days I feel an awful lot like Jonah, and I just want to run away from whatever God has told me to do. I can see tons of ways that things could go wrong, and I know that God is going to have to work mightily to overcome these. Other days, I just don't want to say what God has laid on my heart to say. I know that it might not be well-received. Then I'm reminded of Ezekiel's calling. When God was calling Ezekiel to be his prophet, He said "You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen..." (Ezekiel 2:7) I so often don't want to say what has been laid on my heart to say because I know it could be taken poorly. I know God may lay other things on my heart to say in Uganda or to the Uganda team that has the possibility of not being taken well. I want to hide when this happens. Who am I to say anything!? I want to convince myself that I just made it up, and it doesn't need to be said. However, it is exactly God's Word that I am counting on coming through for me in Uganda. I have been tasked with 2 speaking assignments. Again, who am I to speak into these women's lives? The answer, quite frankly, is no one. I don't expect to have any great insight to share. However, I know from past experience that when I've answered the call to stand up and speak, God can take over from there. I've prayed already for Him to guide my lesson plans, and I have already been delighted at some of the results. My other lesson has to do with God using the experiences of your life to prepare you for His calling on your life. I'm absolutely tickled when God reminds me of one of my own experiences that I can use as an example in this lesson. I mean, the entire foundation of my lesson is a quote that He impressed upon my heart in 7th grade. How awesome is that!? He started preparing me for the work He would have me to do in Uganda in 7th grade! Some of my examples start when I was in 3rd grade even. I may not have the foggiest idea what I'm going to do in Uganda, but I trust that He does, and HIS plan excites me!
I suppose I am being somewhat truthful in my answer to "Are you so excited about going to Uganda?" My answer might be better summed up with "No, I have no personal excitement in a trip to Uganda. However, I am floored by the idea that God might use me, me of all people, to share some of His love with children over there. I could ask for nothing more than to help a child come to see that God loves him/her. I am humbled by the prospect that He could use me to teach women there. I pray that His love and wisdom would shine through when I speak for I have nothing of eternal value to offer on my own. I am utterly flabbergasted by the suggestion that He might bless me too during this trip. I would consider it an immense blessing just to be allowed to return to my family to love on them more. Who am I to do this? I am no one, but I'm am God's chosen daughter who has been called to share His love and mercy and kingdom plan with all who will listen. I will go where He sends me whether I understand it or not, whether I am "excited" about it beforehand or not. "
The quote I learned in 7th grade that God impressed upon my heart was from Corrie ten Boom in The Hiding Place: "I know that the experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do." I really do not understand the full nature of the work He will give me to do in Uganda. How could I? But I trust my Daddy in heaven. I am willing to do the work He gives me to do. I want God to use my experiences and all of me for His bigger game-plan. The rest is up to Him.
First off, I'm an introvert. I'm a talkative introvert, so some people assume I'm an extrovert, but very few people know me well. I don't feel a deep, wonderful connection with others quickly like I hear that some extroverts do. It's just not how I'm wired. I don't get excited about new and unfamiliar situations with a group of people that I don't know well. I don't think I ever could, but I have always refused to let that keep me from helping others and from going where God leads me. I don't have to be excited. I just have to go.
Now, one of my lessons that I've been assigned to present to pastor's wives in Uganda is "Living Out Your Heart's Desires." This has been a real challenge for me to prepare for multiple reasons, but one of them is personal. I don't feel that ministering in Uganda is my deepest heart's desire. I don't know these people yet. I don't understand how I've even found myself on this team entirely. However, I do know this: God loves these people. When I was singing about God's love and asking Him to let me share His love with others, these are the people whose image appeared in my mind. This is a ministry that I have found myself compelled to follow for years. I don't get it. I've never had any personal draw to Africa. I've never had a deep personal pull toward Uganda or even Africa. Let's face it, I've never had a personal desire to do international missions work at all. My best friend in high school is currently a missionary in Belize. She had a desire to do missions work even in high school. I never had any such desire. I'd much rather stay in my own home with my own family and call it a day. However, I ran out of reasons to NOT go. This is NOT my own heart's desire, but I believe it is God's, and I trust Him.
The next set of reasons sounds trivial. It is WAY outside my comfort zone. I'm not talking just about introversion issues. I don't even like using public restrooms in the USA. I dread having to use the facilities in Uganda. I feel like maybe I should be doing some sort of intensive squatting exercise program to prepare. Really, I have "held it" for hours before just to get home. You can ask my college roommate. Tiffany, back me up here, in an entire month in Mexico, I never used a public bathroom outside of our University and one very Americanized restaurant. However, I just didn't feel like I could tell God, "Sorry, but they didn't have adequate toileting facilities." In addition, I'm usually a wreck when my sleep has been disturbed or my eating routine is out of whack. I have become completely useless before due to sleep deprivation and low blood sugar. I anticipate both of these problems arising in Uganda. I've been trying to practice not being a wreck in these situations. So far, I'm not really doing as well as I'd like to when drained.
I've been drawing some slight encouragement from the prophets in the Bible these days. My family has been known to tell me uncompromisingly that prophecy is one of my spiritual gifts. I don't like it. They then remind me that most Biblical prophets didn't really seem to "like" it. I still don't like it. I'm stubborn and some days I feel an awful lot like Jonah, and I just want to run away from whatever God has told me to do. I can see tons of ways that things could go wrong, and I know that God is going to have to work mightily to overcome these. Other days, I just don't want to say what God has laid on my heart to say. I know that it might not be well-received. Then I'm reminded of Ezekiel's calling. When God was calling Ezekiel to be his prophet, He said "You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen..." (Ezekiel 2:7) I so often don't want to say what has been laid on my heart to say because I know it could be taken poorly. I know God may lay other things on my heart to say in Uganda or to the Uganda team that has the possibility of not being taken well. I want to hide when this happens. Who am I to say anything!? I want to convince myself that I just made it up, and it doesn't need to be said. However, it is exactly God's Word that I am counting on coming through for me in Uganda. I have been tasked with 2 speaking assignments. Again, who am I to speak into these women's lives? The answer, quite frankly, is no one. I don't expect to have any great insight to share. However, I know from past experience that when I've answered the call to stand up and speak, God can take over from there. I've prayed already for Him to guide my lesson plans, and I have already been delighted at some of the results. My other lesson has to do with God using the experiences of your life to prepare you for His calling on your life. I'm absolutely tickled when God reminds me of one of my own experiences that I can use as an example in this lesson. I mean, the entire foundation of my lesson is a quote that He impressed upon my heart in 7th grade. How awesome is that!? He started preparing me for the work He would have me to do in Uganda in 7th grade! Some of my examples start when I was in 3rd grade even. I may not have the foggiest idea what I'm going to do in Uganda, but I trust that He does, and HIS plan excites me!
I suppose I am being somewhat truthful in my answer to "Are you so excited about going to Uganda?" My answer might be better summed up with "No, I have no personal excitement in a trip to Uganda. However, I am floored by the idea that God might use me, me of all people, to share some of His love with children over there. I could ask for nothing more than to help a child come to see that God loves him/her. I am humbled by the prospect that He could use me to teach women there. I pray that His love and wisdom would shine through when I speak for I have nothing of eternal value to offer on my own. I am utterly flabbergasted by the suggestion that He might bless me too during this trip. I would consider it an immense blessing just to be allowed to return to my family to love on them more. Who am I to do this? I am no one, but I'm am God's chosen daughter who has been called to share His love and mercy and kingdom plan with all who will listen. I will go where He sends me whether I understand it or not, whether I am "excited" about it beforehand or not. "
The quote I learned in 7th grade that God impressed upon my heart was from Corrie ten Boom in The Hiding Place: "I know that the experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do." I really do not understand the full nature of the work He will give me to do in Uganda. How could I? But I trust my Daddy in heaven. I am willing to do the work He gives me to do. I want God to use my experiences and all of me for His bigger game-plan. The rest is up to Him.
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