Ok, team, I've been seeing a lot of Facebook links to a specific blog post on marriage. You all seem to just love it. I'm not a big fan of it. Here it is: http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/
I do agree with it on a couple of pretty big issues. First, marriage and love in marriage are not about making me happy. Second, love seeks the interests of others and is sacrificial. I'd like to believe that is what most people are applauding in this post. However, there is a big underlined portion that I completely disagree with. "You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy." Not only do I disagree with this statement, I think it's dangerous. I suppose that danger element is why I can't seem to just overlook this sentence and forget about the post in the cloud of everyone else's praise for it.
I absolutely did not marry my husband to make him happy. I probably did marry somewhat in the hopes of it making me happy. That's really beside the point though. We were both a hot mess when we got married and whatever reasons we had for getting married are not really worth deep consideration. What is worth considering is what has happened in our marriage when I have made it a goal of mine and a goal of my marriage to make my husband happy. We both ended up more miserable and unfulfilled. This totally seems to be the opposite of what the linked blog post described, so let me elaborate.
There have been seasons of my marriage when I have believed that I was supposed to be pursuing and focusing on making Philip happy. There are multiple problems with this. First of all, Philip is not an easy man to make consistently happy. He can't even tell you what would make him consistently happy; I sure can't guess it. This would inevitably lead to conversations like this:
Me: *sobbing or yelling* I'm so frustrated/angry/disappointed/exhausted/exasperated.
Him: Ummmm...why?
Me: Because you've been sending me mixed signals, and I can't figure out what you want, and I never seem to be able to make you happy, and I tried to do X but it didn't work, so I tried -X and it didn't work either, and... [I go on for quite a while with this. I'm pretty hysterical at this point really]
Him: Why were you trying to guess what would make me happy?
Me: Because that's what I'm SUPPOSED to do!
Him: Why?
Me: Because everyone says so.
Him: Why?
Me: *unsure whether to beat him over the head with these Why?'s or actually consider them more deeply.*
I'm going to be honest with you here. The conversation has gone the other way around too. It turns out that I'm apparently pretty hard to make happy all the time too. Here's the rub of it though...where in all of Scripture does it say that marriage is about happiness? I haven't found that passage. Where does it say that relationships are about happiness? I haven't found that one yet either. In my experience, my husband and I become ridiculous and frustrated when we focus on the other's happiness as a primary goal in life. I have a second, more spiritual reason for disliking this happiness principle though.
Even if we could successfully make each other happy, that wouldn't necessarily be God-honoring. In fact, when I make my spouse's happiness a primary focus in my marriage, then I turn my spouse into an idol. It doesn't matter what God might be convicting me of. It only matters what Philip thinks about that and how he would react.
If my primary goal in marriage were to make Philip happy, then I wouldn't volunteer at church ever. I wouldn't be in Bible study. I wouldn't be on Open Table. I certainly wouldn't even consider going to Uganda without him and the kids. I mean, what man would say, "It would make me so happy for you to leave the country for 2 weeks while I stay home and care for the children without your assistance"?
Similarly, if Philip's primary goal in marriage were to make me "happy," then he wouldn't be pursuing his doctorate. The doctorate takes time away from us. It takes time away from me. In fact, it seems downright selfish for him to be pursuing it when he's married and has 3 young children and a full-time job already, right?
When I make Philip's happiness a primary goal because it's the "Godly" thing to do, then I take my eyes completely off of what would make God happy and squarely assume that whatever would make Philip happy is also what would make God happy. My whole world revolves around one human and his emotions. No wonder I become a hysterical mess when I do this.
Here's the Scripture that reflects the realities of marriage better to me: "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 This is how marriage plays out more healthily for us. My focus needs to be first and foremost on God. Philip's focus needs to be first and foremost on God. Here's where love and sacrifice and iron sharpening actually start to come into play too. As I'm growing and maturing in Godly ways, I want that for Philip too. As God is teaching me how to love and bless others with His love, I want to be a blessing to Philip too. Sometimes that means recognizing that he is uniquely gifted and passionate in an area that requires advanced study. It means loving him enough to say, "Not only am I willing to have you spending our family's resources and a significant portion of your time and focus on these studies, but I want you to do it. I support you 100%. How can I help you get this done? I don't need as much of your attention right now. I can wait. I'll still be here when you're done." Sometimes it means something "smaller" like unloading dishes or cooking a dinner just so that he has one less thing on his plate to take up his time and focus. Sometimes it even means telling him that he needs to get back on track with something in his life because he's started believing some lies. My goal in none of this is to make him happy. Sometimes it makes him happy. I hope it will make him happy, but sometimes he doesn't even notice I did anything. Sometimes he's actually irritated because it's leading to conviction in him to grow and that's uncomfortable. How he responds isn't my focus though. His response is not my priority or my goal. My priority in my marriage is the same as my priority in any other part of my life. My priority is following God, in being the woman that He is teaching me to be. How Philip responds to that is between him and God.
I have spent months and years trying to make Philip happy in the past. I've even been burdened by the teachings on women being designed to be "helpmeets" for their husbands. I've never felt terribly helpful, and Philip would seem downright irritated when I would be trying to force myself into a subservient role and always asking him for direction or what exactly I was allowed to do on my own and what I needed to ask him about first. This isn't actually Scriptural though. Men and women are not told anywhere to focus on the happiness of their spouses, and the word translated as "helpmeet" is actually the Hebrew word "ezer" which has its roots in words like "power" and "strength" as I understand it.* "Ezer" was actually used in the context of military allies. That's a role I can get on board with.
Philip is my fellow soldier in Christ. He may not always be happy. I may not always be happy. That's really superfluous to the fight. I can fight alongside him. I can carry some of his load when he's too burdened to keep going otherwise. I can give him a kick in the pants when he needs to head back into the fight. I can haul him to the Medic when he's wounded. Honestly, I can keep fighting even if he sits down or closes his eyes to the fight for a while. I'm not Philip's butler or golf caddy. I'm not his personal assistant or his entertainer. I am not inferior to him in any way. I am his fellow soldier in Christ. We're a team. Do I want him to be happy? Absolutely. Is the battle bigger than that? Absolutely. We have bigger fish to fry than each other's happiness and neither of us are going to throw in the towel if happiness isn't being accomplished in that moment.
Marriage isn't about my happiness, but it isn't about my spouse's happiness either. At the end of this road, the only one that I care about pleasing is God. He's the only one that I care about saying "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I'm not handing that position over to my spouse, and you shouldn't either.
*Note: I do not know Hebrew. I am neither a linguist nor a scholar of ancient Hebrew.
I do agree with it on a couple of pretty big issues. First, marriage and love in marriage are not about making me happy. Second, love seeks the interests of others and is sacrificial. I'd like to believe that is what most people are applauding in this post. However, there is a big underlined portion that I completely disagree with. "You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy." Not only do I disagree with this statement, I think it's dangerous. I suppose that danger element is why I can't seem to just overlook this sentence and forget about the post in the cloud of everyone else's praise for it.
I absolutely did not marry my husband to make him happy. I probably did marry somewhat in the hopes of it making me happy. That's really beside the point though. We were both a hot mess when we got married and whatever reasons we had for getting married are not really worth deep consideration. What is worth considering is what has happened in our marriage when I have made it a goal of mine and a goal of my marriage to make my husband happy. We both ended up more miserable and unfulfilled. This totally seems to be the opposite of what the linked blog post described, so let me elaborate.
There have been seasons of my marriage when I have believed that I was supposed to be pursuing and focusing on making Philip happy. There are multiple problems with this. First of all, Philip is not an easy man to make consistently happy. He can't even tell you what would make him consistently happy; I sure can't guess it. This would inevitably lead to conversations like this:
Me: *sobbing or yelling* I'm so frustrated/angry/disappointed/exhausted/exasperated.
Him: Ummmm...why?
Me: Because you've been sending me mixed signals, and I can't figure out what you want, and I never seem to be able to make you happy, and I tried to do X but it didn't work, so I tried -X and it didn't work either, and... [I go on for quite a while with this. I'm pretty hysterical at this point really]
Him: Why were you trying to guess what would make me happy?
Me: Because that's what I'm SUPPOSED to do!
Him: Why?
Me: Because everyone says so.
Him: Why?
Me: *unsure whether to beat him over the head with these Why?'s or actually consider them more deeply.*
I'm going to be honest with you here. The conversation has gone the other way around too. It turns out that I'm apparently pretty hard to make happy all the time too. Here's the rub of it though...where in all of Scripture does it say that marriage is about happiness? I haven't found that passage. Where does it say that relationships are about happiness? I haven't found that one yet either. In my experience, my husband and I become ridiculous and frustrated when we focus on the other's happiness as a primary goal in life. I have a second, more spiritual reason for disliking this happiness principle though.
Even if we could successfully make each other happy, that wouldn't necessarily be God-honoring. In fact, when I make my spouse's happiness a primary focus in my marriage, then I turn my spouse into an idol. It doesn't matter what God might be convicting me of. It only matters what Philip thinks about that and how he would react.
If my primary goal in marriage were to make Philip happy, then I wouldn't volunteer at church ever. I wouldn't be in Bible study. I wouldn't be on Open Table. I certainly wouldn't even consider going to Uganda without him and the kids. I mean, what man would say, "It would make me so happy for you to leave the country for 2 weeks while I stay home and care for the children without your assistance"?
Similarly, if Philip's primary goal in marriage were to make me "happy," then he wouldn't be pursuing his doctorate. The doctorate takes time away from us. It takes time away from me. In fact, it seems downright selfish for him to be pursuing it when he's married and has 3 young children and a full-time job already, right?
When I make Philip's happiness a primary goal because it's the "Godly" thing to do, then I take my eyes completely off of what would make God happy and squarely assume that whatever would make Philip happy is also what would make God happy. My whole world revolves around one human and his emotions. No wonder I become a hysterical mess when I do this.
Here's the Scripture that reflects the realities of marriage better to me: "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 This is how marriage plays out more healthily for us. My focus needs to be first and foremost on God. Philip's focus needs to be first and foremost on God. Here's where love and sacrifice and iron sharpening actually start to come into play too. As I'm growing and maturing in Godly ways, I want that for Philip too. As God is teaching me how to love and bless others with His love, I want to be a blessing to Philip too. Sometimes that means recognizing that he is uniquely gifted and passionate in an area that requires advanced study. It means loving him enough to say, "Not only am I willing to have you spending our family's resources and a significant portion of your time and focus on these studies, but I want you to do it. I support you 100%. How can I help you get this done? I don't need as much of your attention right now. I can wait. I'll still be here when you're done." Sometimes it means something "smaller" like unloading dishes or cooking a dinner just so that he has one less thing on his plate to take up his time and focus. Sometimes it even means telling him that he needs to get back on track with something in his life because he's started believing some lies. My goal in none of this is to make him happy. Sometimes it makes him happy. I hope it will make him happy, but sometimes he doesn't even notice I did anything. Sometimes he's actually irritated because it's leading to conviction in him to grow and that's uncomfortable. How he responds isn't my focus though. His response is not my priority or my goal. My priority in my marriage is the same as my priority in any other part of my life. My priority is following God, in being the woman that He is teaching me to be. How Philip responds to that is between him and God.
I have spent months and years trying to make Philip happy in the past. I've even been burdened by the teachings on women being designed to be "helpmeets" for their husbands. I've never felt terribly helpful, and Philip would seem downright irritated when I would be trying to force myself into a subservient role and always asking him for direction or what exactly I was allowed to do on my own and what I needed to ask him about first. This isn't actually Scriptural though. Men and women are not told anywhere to focus on the happiness of their spouses, and the word translated as "helpmeet" is actually the Hebrew word "ezer" which has its roots in words like "power" and "strength" as I understand it.* "Ezer" was actually used in the context of military allies. That's a role I can get on board with.
Philip is my fellow soldier in Christ. He may not always be happy. I may not always be happy. That's really superfluous to the fight. I can fight alongside him. I can carry some of his load when he's too burdened to keep going otherwise. I can give him a kick in the pants when he needs to head back into the fight. I can haul him to the Medic when he's wounded. Honestly, I can keep fighting even if he sits down or closes his eyes to the fight for a while. I'm not Philip's butler or golf caddy. I'm not his personal assistant or his entertainer. I am not inferior to him in any way. I am his fellow soldier in Christ. We're a team. Do I want him to be happy? Absolutely. Is the battle bigger than that? Absolutely. We have bigger fish to fry than each other's happiness and neither of us are going to throw in the towel if happiness isn't being accomplished in that moment.
Marriage isn't about my happiness, but it isn't about my spouse's happiness either. At the end of this road, the only one that I care about pleasing is God. He's the only one that I care about saying "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I'm not handing that position over to my spouse, and you shouldn't either.
*Note: I do not know Hebrew. I am neither a linguist nor a scholar of ancient Hebrew.
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