It's true sometimes. I don't want to kiss my husband. I don't want to hug him. I don't want to hold his hand. Sometimes, I don't even want to be in the same room with him. Any of these anti-desires can come over me when I'm mad at him, but honestly they can come over me when I'm just busy too. I'm reading a thread on Facebook. Can't he see that I'm reading something? I'm getting ready to go to church. Seriously, we're going to be late if I stop for a kiss. I need to get into that store to buy something for tomorrow before it closes. This is not time for a leisurely stroll with you.
If this were every once in a while, then it would probably be no big deal, but I'm sorry to say that this is a pretty regular occurrence for me, for us, for my family. I'm a task-oriented girl, and when I have my mind set on something, I rarely want to switch gears. I've got to do the thing. The person is a distraction at best, an impediment at worst. Relationship is not the thing right now.
My family is so gracious to me when I'm in this mode (a large part of the day), but I can see the disappointment in their demeanor sometimes. I can see the loss in their glance at me. I know that that's how they'll remember the day even if I manage to accomplish the thing. But I must do the thing. If I don't need them for the thing, then they must wait.
This is so backwards, and it is so deeply ingrained in me that I must make conscious efforts to fight it. I don't fight it enough.
The last few weeks have been kinda rocky between me and God because He's been telling me to stop doing things. I don't want to. I obey Him, but I've found without my doings, I'm not sure what to even talk to Him about. If I don't have some super-absorbing task before me for the day, I find myself talking to Him like I am the task now, a task for Him. "Please give me patience." "Help me to reflect You better to others." These aren't bad requests coming from a different heart. When my heart is right, then these requests can be beautiful and God-honoring, but right now I understand myself as a product of His that comes from tasks. It's like I'm asking for a software patch from the Ultimate Programmer. I have looked for reasons that He might be urging me to be pruned, to step away, to simplify, and without somewhere else to focus, I have assumed that He must be wanting to do some big work IN me instead of through me. What if it's not about work though? What if it's about relationship? What if I don't need to shift my focus from outward tasks to inward tasks? What if I need to shift my focus to Him? How can I do that again?
Yesterday morning, I decided to make a conscious effort to do that, to start shifting my focus back to Him, not to what He does in me or through me or in the world at large, but just to Him. I started my quiet time with Him with that in mind and in my prayers. I opened my Bible app to Revelation where I'm reading right now and read about a God so huge and so unfathomable and so worthy of worship. I read about an angel who was "Saying with a loud voice, Fear God, and give glory to him; for the hour of his judgment is come: and worship him that made heaven, and earth, and the sea, and the fountains of waters." (Rev. 14:7) It was so right and good and true. Worship. I need to worship Him.
I thought about how much space in my prayer journal I spend talking about me when I could be talking about Him. Just like I so often catch myself leaving time with a friend and realizing I spent way too much time talking about myself and didn't connect with them at all, I realized I do that with God too. I love to hear my husband talk to me about his life and himself. I treasure the time he opens up to me about himself, but how I also treasure the moments when he shares something he admires about me. I determined to spend at least half my prayer space talking to God about Himself, worshiping Him, adoring Him, praising Him, thanking Him.
I need to stop going to God only when I need Him for help to do the thing. Quiet time isn't about me getting my spiritual vitamin for the day so that I can do all the things well. It's about growing in relationship with my Father, my High Priest, my Counselor. He's so gracious and faithful even when I am not, but I need to invest in the relationship too.
A huge part of me still doesn't want to stop to kiss my husband or pull a talkative child into my lap. A huge part of me still doesn't want to stop to worship my God. I'm so flawed, so focused in the wrong places. God, forgive me, please! Thank you for loving me as I am! I want to love You more for who You are.
The book of Revelation rings out with the holiness of our God, the set-apartness of our God. Maybe sometimes He has to remind me to set myself apart to be closer to Him, to simplify so that I can see what's really important.
Facebook can wait. Church staff can wait. Sales can wait. Friends can wait. Blog posts can wait. I can wait. I can even say "no." I will not replace the love of my family with online validation. I will not replace my relationship with God with some awesome volunteer record at church. I will not replace worship with spiritual sounding self-absorption.
I will kiss my husband and worship my God even when I don't feel like it, when my thoughts are miles away. Not because I have to but because I love them. Beautifully, when I do this, I remember the joy of being in their presence and loved in return. What starts out as a sacrifice, giving up "important" tasks, can turn into a gift. They are not asking for too much. They love me and it is a joy to love them.
It's a gift to be simple, It's a gift to be free
It's a gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
We'll be in the valley of love and delight.
Lord, let us not believe the lie that our worth is tied to our busy-ness. Being pared down to be able to love more freely...sounds like a worthwhile simplicity to me.
If this were every once in a while, then it would probably be no big deal, but I'm sorry to say that this is a pretty regular occurrence for me, for us, for my family. I'm a task-oriented girl, and when I have my mind set on something, I rarely want to switch gears. I've got to do the thing. The person is a distraction at best, an impediment at worst. Relationship is not the thing right now.
My family is so gracious to me when I'm in this mode (a large part of the day), but I can see the disappointment in their demeanor sometimes. I can see the loss in their glance at me. I know that that's how they'll remember the day even if I manage to accomplish the thing. But I must do the thing. If I don't need them for the thing, then they must wait.
This is so backwards, and it is so deeply ingrained in me that I must make conscious efforts to fight it. I don't fight it enough.
The last few weeks have been kinda rocky between me and God because He's been telling me to stop doing things. I don't want to. I obey Him, but I've found without my doings, I'm not sure what to even talk to Him about. If I don't have some super-absorbing task before me for the day, I find myself talking to Him like I am the task now, a task for Him. "Please give me patience." "Help me to reflect You better to others." These aren't bad requests coming from a different heart. When my heart is right, then these requests can be beautiful and God-honoring, but right now I understand myself as a product of His that comes from tasks. It's like I'm asking for a software patch from the Ultimate Programmer. I have looked for reasons that He might be urging me to be pruned, to step away, to simplify, and without somewhere else to focus, I have assumed that He must be wanting to do some big work IN me instead of through me. What if it's not about work though? What if it's about relationship? What if I don't need to shift my focus from outward tasks to inward tasks? What if I need to shift my focus to Him? How can I do that again?
Yesterday morning, I decided to make a conscious effort to do that, to start shifting my focus back to Him, not to what He does in me or through me or in the world at large, but just to Him. I started my quiet time with Him with that in mind and in my prayers. I opened my Bible app to Revelation where I'm reading right now and read about a God so huge and so unfathomable and so worthy of worship. I read about an angel who was "Saying with a loud voice, Fear God, and give glory to him; for the hour of his judgment is come: and worship him that made heaven, and earth, and the sea, and the fountains of waters." (Rev. 14:7) It was so right and good and true. Worship. I need to worship Him.
I thought about how much space in my prayer journal I spend talking about me when I could be talking about Him. Just like I so often catch myself leaving time with a friend and realizing I spent way too much time talking about myself and didn't connect with them at all, I realized I do that with God too. I love to hear my husband talk to me about his life and himself. I treasure the time he opens up to me about himself, but how I also treasure the moments when he shares something he admires about me. I determined to spend at least half my prayer space talking to God about Himself, worshiping Him, adoring Him, praising Him, thanking Him.
I need to stop going to God only when I need Him for help to do the thing. Quiet time isn't about me getting my spiritual vitamin for the day so that I can do all the things well. It's about growing in relationship with my Father, my High Priest, my Counselor. He's so gracious and faithful even when I am not, but I need to invest in the relationship too.
A huge part of me still doesn't want to stop to kiss my husband or pull a talkative child into my lap. A huge part of me still doesn't want to stop to worship my God. I'm so flawed, so focused in the wrong places. God, forgive me, please! Thank you for loving me as I am! I want to love You more for who You are.
The book of Revelation rings out with the holiness of our God, the set-apartness of our God. Maybe sometimes He has to remind me to set myself apart to be closer to Him, to simplify so that I can see what's really important.
Facebook can wait. Church staff can wait. Sales can wait. Friends can wait. Blog posts can wait. I can wait. I can even say "no." I will not replace the love of my family with online validation. I will not replace my relationship with God with some awesome volunteer record at church. I will not replace worship with spiritual sounding self-absorption.
I will kiss my husband and worship my God even when I don't feel like it, when my thoughts are miles away. Not because I have to but because I love them. Beautifully, when I do this, I remember the joy of being in their presence and loved in return. What starts out as a sacrifice, giving up "important" tasks, can turn into a gift. They are not asking for too much. They love me and it is a joy to love them.
It's a gift to be simple, It's a gift to be free
It's a gift to come down where we ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
We'll be in the valley of love and delight.
Lord, let us not believe the lie that our worth is tied to our busy-ness. Being pared down to be able to love more freely...sounds like a worthwhile simplicity to me.
Comments