For over a month now, I've been dealing with pain. Last week, it peaked into a labor intensity level of pain. My husband had to take days off of work to help. My children were asking if I was about to die and checking in on me occasionally because they were worried I'd already died. Medication has brought the pain down to tolerable levels for the most part by now, and more tests are being run to try to determine the cause of the pain. However, it's become clear to me that it is entirely possible the answers will be neither quick nor easy and that pain may be the new "normal" for me.
To say this transition is stressful would be an understatement. I spent last Thursday pretty much crying or sleeping all day long. I can feel the stress and concern rolling off my loved ones in their looks and moods and even their nightmares. I can't imagine what they must be reading off of me right now. Part of me has wished for answers or for this to settle into normality faster so that we can all "move on," but I really have no idea what's in store for us, and I have remembered recently how many times in my life I have felt caught in an unsettling limbo...like I'm between 2 situations and don't understand what to do with my NOW.
Throughout these last few weeks, I have trailed further and further behind with my daily Bible reading plan, and frankly, I've been okay with that. Over the last year or so, I have had very close friends going through very hard times, and I kept asking myself what I would say to them if they were in my situation. I knew what I would say. "Give yourself grace. God loves you. God gives you grace right now. He's not going to punish you for getting behind on your quiet times with Him. He loves you and is right there with you now. Grace." I felt assured that He was giving me grace even as my dear hubby stepped up to the plate full of grace to cover my many new shortcomings. I knew He had grace for me even as I sobbed in my bed just plain tired and sad - depressed. That grace didn't erase the pain or heartache, but it did help keep me from being swallowed completely by it.
Yesterday, was a gloriously sunny day in this month of rain and gray skies. I felt ready to attempt a quiet time again finally, so I picked up where my reading plan had left off weeks ago. He met me in a big beautiful way.
My reading plan this year has 4 sections of Scripture each day. My first section yesterday was Exodus 16. Even the chapter title began to soothe my soul. "Bread from Heaven" I knew this story. I knew it would reassure me that God provides for the daily needs of His people. I was, however, further encouraged to see how poorly the Israelites asked for their provisions and how mercifully He provided to them anyways. They grumbled and complained, and some might even say they were "overly dramatic." It feels a little unclear to me exactly where their valid problem ended and the high drama began in their grumbling, and that feels very familiar to me right now. I haven't always been certain that I even have a valid "complaint." I mean, I don't know what is going to end up being a chronic problem or just an acute issue right now. I don't know if I'm making something worse than it really may be. I don't know if my perception is skewed or not at any given moment. I do, however, know that I haven't had the presence of mind to actually talk to God directly about any of it though. I haven't been looking to Him to provide. I've been counting on it in many ways, but I haven't been talking to Him about it. I've been ranting and rambling and sobbing at times, and I've been looking at how much worse things seem now and wondering if they're going to get even worse in the future...kinda like the Israelites. This time I wasn't reading this story from any high judgment seat looking down on the griping Israelites. I was just relieved that God still graciously met them in their grumbling + real problem mess. He provided and said that in His provision the Israelites would know that He is their Lord. He provided every day, for that day, allowing for a day of rest too though. That's the kind of Lord I need right now. One of provision and rest, grace and faithfulness. I need to know He has daily bread on hand for me even if I'm a hot mess that day. Exodus 16 assured me that God would provide for me on a daily basis even if I was not the most deserving of recipients.
My 2nd Scripture section for the day was Luke 19. This chapter includes the Parable of the Ten Minas, and I was struck by a few particulars on this reading. First of all, the master in the parable gives each of his servants 1 mina. I have no idea how much a mina is, but they all got the same amount. One servant was able to earn 10 back. Another earned 5 back, and a third servant hoarded his mina so that he wouldn't lose it. The master was quite pleased with the first 2 servants, placing them in charge of more minas, while the third was fired. Now, before I was facing a potentially chronic pain situation myself, I had read up on "Spoon Theory." You can go google that now if you've never come across this before, but basically my memory of the issue was that a chronically ill person only gets so many "spoons" to use in a day, and each task costs a certain number of "spoons." Plus, unforeseen problems cost spoons too. I've been struggling lately with having no idea how many "spoons" I have right now or will have in the future or what I'm supposed to do with this new spoon reality. In light of these concerns, I was really struck by each servant only getting one mina. I essentially read this as one "spoon" yesterday. The issue in the parable was not about how much they had to start with, it was what they did with what they'd been given. I was even more encouraged by how delighted the master seemed with the servant who had earned 5 minas in comparison to the one who had earned 10. The point wasn't really that the more successful and accomplished servants were the most highly prized. The master was pleased with the servants who INVESTED their minas in the work of the master. I have no idea how many spoons I have each day or how many I will have in the future. I can however, faithfully invest my spoons in whatever work He has tasked to me. In my case, I know that He has placed 3+1 children in my care that I am to regularly invest in and teach. Now, before all this pain stuff, I had started adding more and more to-dos and projects and shoulds and want-tos to my mental list of good things I could do. I was discouraged, then, to think that I may not have enough spoons to do all these good things. What do I cut out? That's frustrating! Do I have to cut things out or just re-arrange or wait or...WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS NEW REALITY? Luke 19 helped me out on this one. I'll invest what I am given in the work He has given me to do. I know homeschooling is a job He's given me right now, so I'm going to put my spoons into that. I don't know what return I'll receive on my investment, but I'm going to invest my spoons. I'm not going to hoard them for myself.
My 3rd section of Scripture yesterday was Job 34. This is one of those sections where one of Job's friends is telling him how he must have been in the wrong and currently still in the wrong to be suffering as he is because God punishes wrongdoers and rewards the righteous. In the friend's eyes, trouble means no reward which means a lack of righteousness. Here's the quirky thing for me about reading Job. I don't entirely disagree with everything Job's questionable friends say to him. First of all, they actually sit around with Job for a long time in his misery. I think that earns you a couple friend credits. Second of all, their overall statements of "God is just" aren't really out of line with the rest of Scripture as I understand it. I mean, I wouldn't want a bunch of people around me right now telling me that I've had this suffering coming and/or that they know exactly what I need to do in order to repent and see everything get fixed, but I don't hate Job's friends. They seem like real enough people to me. What I noticed yesterday though was how shortsighted they were. If Job's destitution and suffering were the end of his story, then perhaps the friends' points would have been more valid. However, Job's story wasn't over. God's justice is not a play-by-play goal and penalty box kind of system. In the end, God's justice will indeed prevail, but that's a long term view, and the short-term situations don't always seem reflective of His long term justice and redemption. God is good all the time, but circumstances aren't. I was reminded yesterday of how a more eternal perspective is needed to bring light into the darker moments of life. Right now is not the end of the story. It's just the right now.
My fourth and final Scripture section landed me in 2 Corinthians 4. I nearly highlighted this entire chapter yesterday. It so brilliantly reminded me that my body is like a frail jar of clay, and that's okay. My body doesn't need to be any more spectacular than that for He has placed a spectacular light within me that shines out in the darkness declaring the knowledge of the glory of God through Jesus. My body's strength can be frail and thin, chipped and cracking. That's just fine because true power belongs to God. I am pressed without being shattered. I may show a bit more "death" in my body but hopefully others will then see more clearly the LIFE I have in Jesus.
There's another side that I have to hold on to though. There is more to life than this present affliction. There is more to my story than this scene. This is more to reality than what I see in this moment, and He has given me His Spirit as a guarantee to me that there is MORE coming. I do not have to feel comfortable and at home in my body. It's okay to have tension with this reality. My real home is yet to come. However, just as Paul said, whether I am at home with the Lord and away from my body or whether I am here in my current weak body and away from my full reality with Him, my aim is the same - to please Him. (2 Corinthians 5:1-9)
Today, I am embracing this narrower focus and longer view. I am still in pain, but even in pain, I am being renewed and shaped. I am pressed but not crushed.
To say this transition is stressful would be an understatement. I spent last Thursday pretty much crying or sleeping all day long. I can feel the stress and concern rolling off my loved ones in their looks and moods and even their nightmares. I can't imagine what they must be reading off of me right now. Part of me has wished for answers or for this to settle into normality faster so that we can all "move on," but I really have no idea what's in store for us, and I have remembered recently how many times in my life I have felt caught in an unsettling limbo...like I'm between 2 situations and don't understand what to do with my NOW.
Throughout these last few weeks, I have trailed further and further behind with my daily Bible reading plan, and frankly, I've been okay with that. Over the last year or so, I have had very close friends going through very hard times, and I kept asking myself what I would say to them if they were in my situation. I knew what I would say. "Give yourself grace. God loves you. God gives you grace right now. He's not going to punish you for getting behind on your quiet times with Him. He loves you and is right there with you now. Grace." I felt assured that He was giving me grace even as my dear hubby stepped up to the plate full of grace to cover my many new shortcomings. I knew He had grace for me even as I sobbed in my bed just plain tired and sad - depressed. That grace didn't erase the pain or heartache, but it did help keep me from being swallowed completely by it.
Yesterday, was a gloriously sunny day in this month of rain and gray skies. I felt ready to attempt a quiet time again finally, so I picked up where my reading plan had left off weeks ago. He met me in a big beautiful way.
My reading plan this year has 4 sections of Scripture each day. My first section yesterday was Exodus 16. Even the chapter title began to soothe my soul. "Bread from Heaven" I knew this story. I knew it would reassure me that God provides for the daily needs of His people. I was, however, further encouraged to see how poorly the Israelites asked for their provisions and how mercifully He provided to them anyways. They grumbled and complained, and some might even say they were "overly dramatic." It feels a little unclear to me exactly where their valid problem ended and the high drama began in their grumbling, and that feels very familiar to me right now. I haven't always been certain that I even have a valid "complaint." I mean, I don't know what is going to end up being a chronic problem or just an acute issue right now. I don't know if I'm making something worse than it really may be. I don't know if my perception is skewed or not at any given moment. I do, however, know that I haven't had the presence of mind to actually talk to God directly about any of it though. I haven't been looking to Him to provide. I've been counting on it in many ways, but I haven't been talking to Him about it. I've been ranting and rambling and sobbing at times, and I've been looking at how much worse things seem now and wondering if they're going to get even worse in the future...kinda like the Israelites. This time I wasn't reading this story from any high judgment seat looking down on the griping Israelites. I was just relieved that God still graciously met them in their grumbling + real problem mess. He provided and said that in His provision the Israelites would know that He is their Lord. He provided every day, for that day, allowing for a day of rest too though. That's the kind of Lord I need right now. One of provision and rest, grace and faithfulness. I need to know He has daily bread on hand for me even if I'm a hot mess that day. Exodus 16 assured me that God would provide for me on a daily basis even if I was not the most deserving of recipients.
My 2nd Scripture section for the day was Luke 19. This chapter includes the Parable of the Ten Minas, and I was struck by a few particulars on this reading. First of all, the master in the parable gives each of his servants 1 mina. I have no idea how much a mina is, but they all got the same amount. One servant was able to earn 10 back. Another earned 5 back, and a third servant hoarded his mina so that he wouldn't lose it. The master was quite pleased with the first 2 servants, placing them in charge of more minas, while the third was fired. Now, before I was facing a potentially chronic pain situation myself, I had read up on "Spoon Theory." You can go google that now if you've never come across this before, but basically my memory of the issue was that a chronically ill person only gets so many "spoons" to use in a day, and each task costs a certain number of "spoons." Plus, unforeseen problems cost spoons too. I've been struggling lately with having no idea how many "spoons" I have right now or will have in the future or what I'm supposed to do with this new spoon reality. In light of these concerns, I was really struck by each servant only getting one mina. I essentially read this as one "spoon" yesterday. The issue in the parable was not about how much they had to start with, it was what they did with what they'd been given. I was even more encouraged by how delighted the master seemed with the servant who had earned 5 minas in comparison to the one who had earned 10. The point wasn't really that the more successful and accomplished servants were the most highly prized. The master was pleased with the servants who INVESTED their minas in the work of the master. I have no idea how many spoons I have each day or how many I will have in the future. I can however, faithfully invest my spoons in whatever work He has tasked to me. In my case, I know that He has placed 3+1 children in my care that I am to regularly invest in and teach. Now, before all this pain stuff, I had started adding more and more to-dos and projects and shoulds and want-tos to my mental list of good things I could do. I was discouraged, then, to think that I may not have enough spoons to do all these good things. What do I cut out? That's frustrating! Do I have to cut things out or just re-arrange or wait or...WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS NEW REALITY? Luke 19 helped me out on this one. I'll invest what I am given in the work He has given me to do. I know homeschooling is a job He's given me right now, so I'm going to put my spoons into that. I don't know what return I'll receive on my investment, but I'm going to invest my spoons. I'm not going to hoard them for myself.
My 3rd section of Scripture yesterday was Job 34. This is one of those sections where one of Job's friends is telling him how he must have been in the wrong and currently still in the wrong to be suffering as he is because God punishes wrongdoers and rewards the righteous. In the friend's eyes, trouble means no reward which means a lack of righteousness. Here's the quirky thing for me about reading Job. I don't entirely disagree with everything Job's questionable friends say to him. First of all, they actually sit around with Job for a long time in his misery. I think that earns you a couple friend credits. Second of all, their overall statements of "God is just" aren't really out of line with the rest of Scripture as I understand it. I mean, I wouldn't want a bunch of people around me right now telling me that I've had this suffering coming and/or that they know exactly what I need to do in order to repent and see everything get fixed, but I don't hate Job's friends. They seem like real enough people to me. What I noticed yesterday though was how shortsighted they were. If Job's destitution and suffering were the end of his story, then perhaps the friends' points would have been more valid. However, Job's story wasn't over. God's justice is not a play-by-play goal and penalty box kind of system. In the end, God's justice will indeed prevail, but that's a long term view, and the short-term situations don't always seem reflective of His long term justice and redemption. God is good all the time, but circumstances aren't. I was reminded yesterday of how a more eternal perspective is needed to bring light into the darker moments of life. Right now is not the end of the story. It's just the right now.
My fourth and final Scripture section landed me in 2 Corinthians 4. I nearly highlighted this entire chapter yesterday. It so brilliantly reminded me that my body is like a frail jar of clay, and that's okay. My body doesn't need to be any more spectacular than that for He has placed a spectacular light within me that shines out in the darkness declaring the knowledge of the glory of God through Jesus. My body's strength can be frail and thin, chipped and cracking. That's just fine because true power belongs to God. I am pressed without being shattered. I may show a bit more "death" in my body but hopefully others will then see more clearly the LIFE I have in Jesus.
...so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.I'm at an interesting place now. I see two perspectives that I need to embrace, and they almost seem opposed initially, but they are not. I know I need to let go of worrying about the future, or even about the now, and I need to trust God to be my strength, my power, and my Provider. I need to turn to Him for my daily bread and trust Him to give me rest when I need it too. I can't gather enough for the days, weeks, months, and years that may be to come anyways. I need to take it one day at a time, one chunk at a time, one spoon at a time even. I choose to invest that spoon back into His kingdom. The work He has given me is different than the work He has given you, and I have no idea what work He may have for me in the future. Today, however, I will invest in the work I know He has given ME to do now. I'm not going to worry about if that's enough. I just need to invest it and trust Him. Today, I had enough spoons to sit down and blog this afternoon. I wanted to share with you the grace He has given to me. I'm investing this spoon in you now. I pray that it may increase thanksgiving and bring God more glory. So on one hand, I need to see things day by day, spoon by spoon. I need to trust Him for my daily bread.
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:15-18)
There's another side that I have to hold on to though. There is more to life than this present affliction. There is more to my story than this scene. This is more to reality than what I see in this moment, and He has given me His Spirit as a guarantee to me that there is MORE coming. I do not have to feel comfortable and at home in my body. It's okay to have tension with this reality. My real home is yet to come. However, just as Paul said, whether I am at home with the Lord and away from my body or whether I am here in my current weak body and away from my full reality with Him, my aim is the same - to please Him. (2 Corinthians 5:1-9)
Today, I am embracing this narrower focus and longer view. I am still in pain, but even in pain, I am being renewed and shaped. I am pressed but not crushed.
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