I'm not really afraid to say or type "hell," but it's a lot more fun to use H-E-double-hockey-sticks, and I'm a fan of embracing the simple pleasures in life right now! I especially need to embrace the simple pleasures right now because this last year has been ROUGH. As a quick re-cap of the highlights (or really the lowlights probably), over the last year, I have been involved in 4 life-or-death situations with my immediate family and closest friends. All four of them required hospital visits and/or stays, and 2 of them required police assistance. I have been in the thick of dealing with lice infestations and parasite infestations. We heartbreakingly left our church of over four years, which was an agonizing decision involving many months and tears and attempts to reconcile. Also, my own health took a dramatic swan-dive, which was probably understandable considering the events of the year. This by no means captures all of the year's dramas, but they were probably the biggest ones.
I'm not sure that I have any great wisdom to share from all this yet. I'm typing this all out today more as a day for me to reflect than as an opportunity to share any great lessons learned. However, I do have several reflections I'll share.
1) We're not good with grief and suffering. I realize "we" is a bit ambiguous. I am not a fan of grief and suffering, and some people seem afraid of getting to close to it...like it's contagious or they're going to make it worse somehow. Feeling like a societal pariah really doesn't help the suffering and grieving person though. There seems to be a pressure, whether real or perceived, in the modern American church today to get through the suffering and grief quickly and announce victory and praise as rapidly as possible. I've discovered that the people that I'm closest to, however, are those who are compassionate with me, gracious with me, longsuffering even. Some of these people have been the ones staying in the hospital with loved ones themselves who will then go out of their way to check up on how I'm doing still. Amazing. Others have taken off of work to watch the kids so that I can go hug and talk with a hurting friend. Those closest to me have extended such grace that even when I'm acting like an unpleasant, exhausted, angry idiot, they hang in there with me. Allowing these people into my heart more deeply has hurt tremendously as I've felt their pain as well as my own over this last year. However, I am beyond grateful to be loved by such compassionate people.
We need more real compassion in the world, from the church especially. I'm not talking about official church ministries and programs, here. I'm talking about you as an individual willing to SUFFER WITH someone. Stand with them through their suffering. Sending a care package or money is helpful at times, but that's not supposed to be the extent of it. Are you willing to climb down in the trenches of suffering with people and hold them while they sob in grief and pain and fear? One of my big hurts over this last year was being told that because I needed to step away from weekly church program leadership obligations for a while that I was no longer representing ministry well. This was in the midst of three of the above listed traumas. I was deep in the trenches of loving and serving others in their suffering, but because it wasn't through officially sanctioned church programs, I was told I no longer "modeled ministry" well. Ministry is serving. True serving requires compassion. Compassion is suffering with someone. We need to think outside the church ministry boxes to do that oftentimes. Being the hands and feet of Jesus is great. Let's also be the shoulder to cry on sometimes and the ear to listen as well.
2) God was faithful in preparing us for this season. Before we found ourselves in the thick of this mess, God convicted me to homeschool my kids. I didn't want to do it. That sounded like a lot of work, and I'd have to give up the opportunity to return to my career. I quickly realized though that replying to a conviction with "that sounds too hard" wasn't really a valid answer to God, so I accepted it and dove into full-time homeschooling this last year. I have to say that surprisingly, this has been one of the best parts of my year. It has allowed much needed flexibility for our family during this season, and it has been a true joy for me in the midst of it all.
God also convicted both my husband and me to simplify our schedules and our lives before all of this fully kicked in. For my husband, that meant giving up a full scholarship and his ambition of pursuing his doctorate right now. We both worked to cut down our weekly individual and family commitments. Simplifying sounds kind of pleasant somehow. It really felt more like obediently allowing ourselves to be pruned by God. Other people, of course, didn't always understand or appreciate us giving up some things. We did it anyways.
I cannot imagine having attempted to go through this last year without these changes. I cannot fathom what it would have been like if we'd been dealing with university schedule, classes, studying, etc. for my husband. I shudder to think how nuts I would have gone trying to juggle class projects and homework for 3 different kids in the evenings after I got home from work over this last year. If we hadn't simplified our schedule ahead of time, I'm not sure we would have survived this season as a family in one piece as well as we did. We also wouldn't have had the time and flexibility to get down in the trenches with others as needed. Obedience, pruning, sacrifice, and even taking on a new challenge in homeschooling were all part of God's preparing us for this season. I'm so glad we listened and obeyed. The sacrifices turned out to be saving graces.
3) It's not over. Things like these often do not have neat little tidy ending dates. Not only are people still dealing with the traumas, repercussions, and new realities from the last year, but I'm not even over all the health issues yet. We hope we've found a new church, but we've only managed to attend it twice in the last 6 weeks with everything going on these days still. I have no reason to believe that the drama of the last year is really over and passed yet. And you know what? I think that's going to be okay. Don't get me wrong. I don't like it. There are still a lot of difficulties and hurts and concerns on the table right now. I lie awake at night often angry or concerned or devastatingly sad or in pain. I don't like those feelings, and I want to distract myself from them. It may be time to have compassion for myself too though. It may be time to allow myself to face the hurt.
I've been having a hard time with the ends of my prayers lately. You see, I'd begun the habit of ending my prayers with something like "I ask for all this or better, for Your glory." I've been having a hard time adding the "for Your glory" part lately. I think it's because I know that suffering can be involved in submitting to living a life for HIS glory instead of my own. I haven't wanted more suffering. I've wanted a break. I've wanted rest and even peace and joy. Allowing myself to face and reflect on the feelings and events of the last year has seemed dangerous and unpleasant at best. Allowing myself to submit to doing things His way moving forward to accomplish His purposes has seemed equally treacherous when I really want some promise of bright sunshiny days in my near future instead.
One day at a time, though, God has been faithful. Looking back, I see the pain and heartache and fear and trauma. I also see how He began providing and preparing for me and my loved ones beforehand. I see how He made this last year even doable. I realized this morning that I'm still scared to trust Him right now but that I do trust Him. I may not FEEL like I trust Him right now, but I do. I still seek Him for wisdom, and I know that if I feel His conviction to move, I'll move. Just like I explain to my children that courage is not the absence of fear, I've realized that trust is not the absence of fear or doubt either.
I don't know what the future holds for me or for my loved ones. I do know that I plan to stay on the path God lights for me because while this path often feels stormy at best, I realize that it is the best path, and He will lead me through to freedom and victory. My hope is in Him alone.
I'm not sure that I have any great wisdom to share from all this yet. I'm typing this all out today more as a day for me to reflect than as an opportunity to share any great lessons learned. However, I do have several reflections I'll share.
1) We're not good with grief and suffering. I realize "we" is a bit ambiguous. I am not a fan of grief and suffering, and some people seem afraid of getting to close to it...like it's contagious or they're going to make it worse somehow. Feeling like a societal pariah really doesn't help the suffering and grieving person though. There seems to be a pressure, whether real or perceived, in the modern American church today to get through the suffering and grief quickly and announce victory and praise as rapidly as possible. I've discovered that the people that I'm closest to, however, are those who are compassionate with me, gracious with me, longsuffering even. Some of these people have been the ones staying in the hospital with loved ones themselves who will then go out of their way to check up on how I'm doing still. Amazing. Others have taken off of work to watch the kids so that I can go hug and talk with a hurting friend. Those closest to me have extended such grace that even when I'm acting like an unpleasant, exhausted, angry idiot, they hang in there with me. Allowing these people into my heart more deeply has hurt tremendously as I've felt their pain as well as my own over this last year. However, I am beyond grateful to be loved by such compassionate people.
We need more real compassion in the world, from the church especially. I'm not talking about official church ministries and programs, here. I'm talking about you as an individual willing to SUFFER WITH someone. Stand with them through their suffering. Sending a care package or money is helpful at times, but that's not supposed to be the extent of it. Are you willing to climb down in the trenches of suffering with people and hold them while they sob in grief and pain and fear? One of my big hurts over this last year was being told that because I needed to step away from weekly church program leadership obligations for a while that I was no longer representing ministry well. This was in the midst of three of the above listed traumas. I was deep in the trenches of loving and serving others in their suffering, but because it wasn't through officially sanctioned church programs, I was told I no longer "modeled ministry" well. Ministry is serving. True serving requires compassion. Compassion is suffering with someone. We need to think outside the church ministry boxes to do that oftentimes. Being the hands and feet of Jesus is great. Let's also be the shoulder to cry on sometimes and the ear to listen as well.
2) God was faithful in preparing us for this season. Before we found ourselves in the thick of this mess, God convicted me to homeschool my kids. I didn't want to do it. That sounded like a lot of work, and I'd have to give up the opportunity to return to my career. I quickly realized though that replying to a conviction with "that sounds too hard" wasn't really a valid answer to God, so I accepted it and dove into full-time homeschooling this last year. I have to say that surprisingly, this has been one of the best parts of my year. It has allowed much needed flexibility for our family during this season, and it has been a true joy for me in the midst of it all.
God also convicted both my husband and me to simplify our schedules and our lives before all of this fully kicked in. For my husband, that meant giving up a full scholarship and his ambition of pursuing his doctorate right now. We both worked to cut down our weekly individual and family commitments. Simplifying sounds kind of pleasant somehow. It really felt more like obediently allowing ourselves to be pruned by God. Other people, of course, didn't always understand or appreciate us giving up some things. We did it anyways.
I cannot imagine having attempted to go through this last year without these changes. I cannot fathom what it would have been like if we'd been dealing with university schedule, classes, studying, etc. for my husband. I shudder to think how nuts I would have gone trying to juggle class projects and homework for 3 different kids in the evenings after I got home from work over this last year. If we hadn't simplified our schedule ahead of time, I'm not sure we would have survived this season as a family in one piece as well as we did. We also wouldn't have had the time and flexibility to get down in the trenches with others as needed. Obedience, pruning, sacrifice, and even taking on a new challenge in homeschooling were all part of God's preparing us for this season. I'm so glad we listened and obeyed. The sacrifices turned out to be saving graces.
3) It's not over. Things like these often do not have neat little tidy ending dates. Not only are people still dealing with the traumas, repercussions, and new realities from the last year, but I'm not even over all the health issues yet. We hope we've found a new church, but we've only managed to attend it twice in the last 6 weeks with everything going on these days still. I have no reason to believe that the drama of the last year is really over and passed yet. And you know what? I think that's going to be okay. Don't get me wrong. I don't like it. There are still a lot of difficulties and hurts and concerns on the table right now. I lie awake at night often angry or concerned or devastatingly sad or in pain. I don't like those feelings, and I want to distract myself from them. It may be time to have compassion for myself too though. It may be time to allow myself to face the hurt.
I've been having a hard time with the ends of my prayers lately. You see, I'd begun the habit of ending my prayers with something like "I ask for all this or better, for Your glory." I've been having a hard time adding the "for Your glory" part lately. I think it's because I know that suffering can be involved in submitting to living a life for HIS glory instead of my own. I haven't wanted more suffering. I've wanted a break. I've wanted rest and even peace and joy. Allowing myself to face and reflect on the feelings and events of the last year has seemed dangerous and unpleasant at best. Allowing myself to submit to doing things His way moving forward to accomplish His purposes has seemed equally treacherous when I really want some promise of bright sunshiny days in my near future instead.
One day at a time, though, God has been faithful. Looking back, I see the pain and heartache and fear and trauma. I also see how He began providing and preparing for me and my loved ones beforehand. I see how He made this last year even doable. I realized this morning that I'm still scared to trust Him right now but that I do trust Him. I may not FEEL like I trust Him right now, but I do. I still seek Him for wisdom, and I know that if I feel His conviction to move, I'll move. Just like I explain to my children that courage is not the absence of fear, I've realized that trust is not the absence of fear or doubt either.
I don't know what the future holds for me or for my loved ones. I do know that I plan to stay on the path God lights for me because while this path often feels stormy at best, I realize that it is the best path, and He will lead me through to freedom and victory. My hope is in Him alone.
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